I have been feeling down for the last month; too many things going on, and then having my friend die suddenly was the topper. I do get outside a bit, because I have to care for the yard. The being a poor widow stuff also sucks. I have to make sure I have enough money after the bills to buy gas.
I had lonely childhood- parents divorced when I was small, and I was raised by my maternal grandparents. My grandparents were sweet and loving people, and I give them credit for all they did, but they were still grandparents. The parental units would visit for holidays, and then return home. I have never felt part of either of my parents’ new families, I was (and am) the odd one out. When I lost my husband, I also lost the only real family I had.
The clock is ticking here as well. If I find someone, I will be pleased. If not, I will have to manage by myself.
I guess being an introvert does not help with meeting people.
Something I got from a workshop: When you build walls to protect yourself, they lock the hurt inside. Learn to embrace the pain.
I had something last winter that put me in bed for three days with a 102 deg fever. I have a lower-than-average body temperature, so it was like 103 for me. Everything ached. I think my hair ached.
I find it difficult to suddenly be single at around 50; I was 49 when Mr. Froggie died, and we had been married 26 years. I was his full-time caregiver for several years before he died, and really lost my own identity while in that role. Truly, when he died, a part of me died with him. Now I am in the process of rediscovering and redefining who I am, as a single individual- no longer as a wife or caregiver. Life is made more difficult by also battling yet another bout of depression caused by all the stress. I am not able to work and am in the process of applying for disability. I didn’t want to do that, but I finally had to admit that I am not ever going to “get well,” but will be managing my mental health for the rest of my life.
I am home this evening, my friend J. seems to be having a bad time, and is not communicating. Oh, well. At least I finally got my “new” desktop computer assembled. Except for one RAM card, the entire thing is built of recycled older computer parts.
The low-population rural counties (such as the one where I now live) have a large proportion of very low-income inhabitants (I am one of them).
It is all well and good to say distance should not stand in the way of “true love,” but if one lacks the funds to travel, one has to do with those that are closer and perhaps not as ideal.
Mr. Froggie was 11 years older than me, but we got along well. He was always a young person in his mind, even as diabetes and its complications aged his body far too quickly. I am a bit leery of getting involved with gentlemen in their early 60s because of health issues. I was a full-time caregiver for almost three years, before I turned 50, and continue to recover from that stress.
I am not really able to move, nor marry, without completely messing up my financial situation.
I am not in the habit of “breaking up” with friends; often, we just drift apart, usually due to time and distance. If one of them were injured or died I would be greatly upset.
I think that is one of the biggest thing I miss, those times of sitting around the table talking, just being together.
